Coping with Pregnancy & Postpartum Loss, Grief, and Trauma: A Brief Guide for Fathers
- matthewbramanlcsw
- Mar 27
- 8 min read
Updated: Mar 27
For many men, the journey to fatherhood is often filled with expectations of joy, excitement, and new beginnings. But for many families, pregnancy and postpartum may have complications that make things become far more complex because of loss, grief, and trauma - whether through abortion, termination for medical reasons, miscarriage, stillbirth, NICU care, or infant loss - it can feel like the world has suddenly changed, working against you in ways you never expected.
As a father and partner, you may experience a combination of mixed emotions. You may feel helpless, heartbroken, numb, or powerless and unsure of how to support your loved one while also coping with your own big and overwhelming emotions. And yet, in many cases, men’s grief is often overlooked, minimized, and misunderstood.
You might feel pressure to "be strong," to focus on your partner’s needs, or to return to work as if nothing happened - while inside, you're absolutely struggling with deep pain and unanswered questions as it continues to weigh heavily on your heart, mind, body, energy, spirit, and relationships - maybe its all you want to talk about and focus on but you feel like you can't or you're not allowed, or maybe you'd rather avoid it all together.
At Verve Psychotherapy, we specialize in working with fathers and new dads to help them prioritize their own mental health, process traumatic grief, and support their partners. If you're feeling lost or alone in your experience, read on - help is available, and you deserve support too.
Understanding Pregnancy & Postpartum Loss, Trauma, and The Overlooked Grief of Fathers
Society often assumes that pregnancy and birth are predictable, safe, and straightforward - leading to a healthy baby, but the unfortunate truth is, it can become far more complicated, and many families may face unexpected and heartbreaking losses along the way.
Some fathers may experience:
Witnessing their partner go through birth trauma - including emergency interventions, surgical deliveries, or life-threatening complications.
Grieving pregnancy loss through abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth, or termination for medical reasons, struggling to process the loss of a baby they never got to hold or bring home to the nursery - feeling sadness, anger, or guilt while also wanting to support their partner without knowing what they should do or what they should say in order to be supportive.
Enduring the unwanted pain and trauma, which can shatter every expectation of fatherhood.
Spending days, weeks, or even months in the NICU, feeling confused, alone, and pressured to return back to their "normal life" while facing uncertainty about their baby’s health.
Feelings of helplessness and powerlessness in the aftermath following traumatic events, unsure how to support their partner while managing their own emotions.
Society often assumes that pregnancy loss, birth trauma, NICU experiences, or infant loss primarily affect mothers. While mothers rightly bear the physical toll, fathers often experience emotional and psychological grief that is just as real and just as impactful on paternal mental health as it is on maternal mental health. We need to factor in the fathers and non-birthing partners when it comes to parental mental health.
These experiences don’t just affect your partner - they affect you, your relationship, your mental health, the ways you view yourself, and the ways you view your partner and the world. Unfortunately, fathers’ grief, stress, and trauma often go unrecognized, dismissed, or minimized.
You may have heard statements like:
“At least you weren’t the one who was pregnant.”
“You can always try again.”
“Your partner is the one who really went through it.”
“You need to be strong for her.”
“At least it happened early.”
“You’ll have another chance.”
While often well-meaning, these messages can make men feel like their pain is less valid, forcing them to suppress their grief rather than process it. But loss affects both parents, and if your feelings go unaddressed, they can take a significant toll on your mental health, your relationship, and your ability to show up fully as a partner, father, and career professional.
These unhelpful and harmful messages ignore the deep emotional toll that fathers carry, and can leave fathers feeling isolated, unseen, and unsure where to turn for support. The truth is, you are allowed to grieve - and your pain is just as real and just as valid as your partner’s. Whether you’re feeling helpless, angry, numb, anxious, or overwhelmed, your emotions are valid - and you don’t have to navigate them alone.
The Lasting Effects of Unprocessed, Traumatic Grief
Grief isn’t just an emotional experience - it can be traumatic and have far-reaching effects on emotional, physical, and mental well-being, relationships, and daily life. When men don’t have permission and a safe space to process their own grief, stress, or trauma, it can lead to:
1. Emotional, Physical, and Mental Health Struggles
Depression, anxiety, and PTSD following pregnancy or infant loss.
Emotional numbness or detachment, leading to disconnection from your partner and family.
Anger, irritability, or guilt, making it hard to cope with everyday stress.
Sleep problems like insomnia, chronic stress, fatigue, loss of appetite, headaches, and cardiovascular issues, impacting work and daily life.
An Inner Critic, a negative self-image, and feeling like you're not good enough as a father.
2. Strain on Relationships and Marriage
Feeling disconnected from your partner as you may both process grief in different ways.
Difficulty communicating about emotions, leading to misunderstandings or tension.
Changes in intimacy and connection, making it harder to feel close as a couple.
Difficulty bonding with your baby, especially during and after NICU experiences and losses.
3. Challenges at Work and in Daily Life
Difficulty focusing on work, responsibilities, or social connections.
Using work as an escape, avoiding emotions by staying busy.
Pressure to move forward too quickly, without fully processing the loss.
Depending on substances to cope, feel numb, and forget about all of it, if only briefly.
Many men often struggle in silence because they may not know where to turn for support, and because of toxic shame or inappropriate guilt. But grief doesn’t just go away - it needs to be acknowledged, understood, and processed in order to heal and promote mental health.
Many fathers often turn to avoidance, overworking, substance use, or emotional shutdown - not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to process their pain.
But the truth is, your pain deserves attention, too. And finding support doesn’t mean you’re failing or not good enough as a man, father, partner, or career professional - it means you’re taking an active, responsible step toward healing and post-traumatic growth.
How Fathers Can Support Their Partners After Loss
If your partner has experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, you may feel unsure of how to help. While every situation is different, here are a few key ways to offer support:
1. Validate Their Experience
Your partner may be experiencing a complex mix of emotions, including grief, guilt, anger, sadness, or even relief (depending on the circumstances). Let them know:
“It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling.”
“You don’t have to go through this alone - I’m here.”
“Your grief is valid, and I’m here to listen.”
Even if you process grief differently, making time and space for their emotions without judgment and without trying to fix them can help them feel supported.
2. Don’t Assume They Know What You’re Feeling
Men often internalize grief, assuming that “being strong” means not talking about their emotions. But carefully sharing your own feelings with "I-Statements" and without blaming your partner - even if they seem messy or unclear - can help create a deeper connection.
Try saying:
“I’m struggling, too, and I want to be here for you.”
“I don’t always know what to say, but I care, and I’m here.”
Expressing your grief doesn’t make you weak - it makes you human.
3. Seek Support for Yourself
You might feel pressure to focus entirely on your partner’s healing or your career. But you can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of your own mental health will help you be a stronger, more present partner and father in the long run.
Therapy can offer a space where you can:
Process your traumatic grief without feeling pressure to “fix” anything.
Learn how to support your partner while also responsibly caring for yourself.
Develop healthy coping strategies for anxiety, stress, and trauma.
Navigate relationship changes after loss.
Many fathers hesitate to seek therapy because they assume they should “suck it up and handle it on their own.” But grief is not something you have to carry alone - I'm here for you, man.
The Ripple Effect: How Pregnancy & Postpartum Loss and Unprocessed Traumatic Grief Impacts Families and Society
When pregnancy and postpartum losses are ignored, minimized, or left unaddressed, the traumatic impact doesn’t just affect individuals - it ripples through marriages, families, workplaces, and communities.
Marriages suffer when couples struggle to communicate about loss, grief, and trauma.
Families feel the strain when fathers withdraw emotionally.
Employers see more burnout and decreased productivity when men feel pressured to “push through” loss.
Communities lose connection when traumatic grief is not acknowledged or supported.
By prioritizing mental health and seeking support, fathers play a crucial role in breaking the cycle of suffering in silence - both for themselves and for future generations.
How Therapy Can Help Fathers Navigate Pregnancy and Postpartum Challenges
Therapy isn't just for moms - it’s for anyone navigating the emotional and relational complexities of parenthood. A perinatal mental health specialist can help fathers:
Process grief and trauma related to birth, NICU care, or pregnancy & postpartum loss.
Understand and validate your own emotions, rather than suppressing them.
Learn how to support your partner while also caring for yourself, responsibly.
Strengthen your relationship by improving communication and emotional connection.
Navigate fatherhood with more confidence and resilience, even in difficult circumstances.
Therapy offers a judgment-free space where you can talk openly and more freely about what you've been through if you choose to, and learn more healthy ways to cope, heal, and grow.
You Deserve Support, Too.
If you’re a father navigating pregnancy or postpartum loss, NICU trauma, or traumatic grief, then please remember:
You're not alone.
Your emotions matter - your grief is real.
You don’t have to “stay strong” at the expense of your own well-being.
Prioritizing your mental health will help you show up as the dad and partner you want to be.
At Verve Psychotherapy, we provide specialized online therapy for fathers and new dads in Connecticut, Georgia, Maryland, New Jersey, and New York. Whether you’re grieving, struggling with relationship changes, or simply feeling lost, we’re here to support you.
Take the Next Step Toward Healing
You don’t have to go through this alone. If you’re ready to start healing - for yourself, your partner, and your family - Verve Psychotherapy is here to help.
Schedule a consultation today to get the support you deserve.
Because grief doesn’t have to be silent or invisible - and you don’t have to navigate it alone.
As your Right Hand Therapy Man, it's my mission to empower your verve.
Let's talk. Book a free 15 minute phone consultation here.
Ready to get started? Book an intake appointment here.
