It Takes Two to Tango. Here's How to Move and Groove Together.
You know you and your husband could probably benefit from working with an experienced couples therapist, but you don't know exactly what to do about getting them on board with the idea of starting couples therapy. Just thinking about bringing it up for conversation with your partner feels nerve-wracking because things are good, for the most part, and you don't want to stir the pot, rock the boat, or scratch when it doesn't itch. This part of you ruminates and jumps to conclusion with doubt while thinking, "What's the point?", "Why bother?", "We'll be fine, right?".
You may notice another part of you feeling confident that there's no sense of urgency for professional support to help improve your marriage because it finds an excuse like, "nothing's wrong", "you're soul mates", and "therapy is so drastic". Sure, you and your husband may have some clear disagreements and mild arguments here and there, but what marriage doesn't?
There's another undeniable part of you that's longing for a bit more emotional accessibility, a bit more emotional responsiveness, and a bit more emotional engagement in your relationship. Beyond that, things are good.
Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy, wrote a book called, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need To Know To Make Love Work. Here's an excerpt from the back cover:
"Modern marriage has undergone a revolution. Never before have we wanted so much from our relationships - and yet we lack the skills to succeed. Today's women want more emotional closeness than many men have been raised to deliver, leaving both (partners) feeling frustrated and unheard".
If you're wondering about where to start and what to do about wanting your partner to join you in starting couples therapy, then this blog is for you, especially if things are good, for the most part. It's natural to find yourself dealing with multiple parts of you that are, maybe, in a bit of conflict with each other. It's also natural to want more out of your relationship. Of course, you want more!
Here's 3 Things to Do if You Want Your Husband to Join You in Starting Couples Therapy
1. SUMMARIZE YOUR REASONS AND GOALS FOR WANTING MORE
Express your feelings and concerns after you've had some time to reflect and get clear on them. Use a "Soft Start-Up Approach" for having an open, honest, and direct conversation with your spouse about the reasons why you want them to join you in starting couples therapy. Share a brief list of couples therapy goals, and emphasize how important each of them are to you and also why you need their support. Use "I-Statements" to verbalize your emotions without blaming or accusing them. Let your husband know that you want more out of the marriage and you believe that couples therapy could help bring the both of you closer together. Reiterate your desire to work as a team to deepen your emotional connection and strengthen your bond.
2. HIGHLIGHT THE MYTHS AND BENEFITS OF COUPLES THERAPY
Some people may be hesitant to work with a therapist due to misconceptions or stigmas. Join your husband through the truth to unpack and debunk some of the myths about couples therapy. Explain that couples therapy is not about "Playing the Blame Game", but rather about connecting with each other more deeply and learning how to build on what you already have to be grateful for in the relationship. Talk with your spouse about the benefits of couples therapy, such as improved communication and quicker repair of any relational ruptures, increased emotional intimacy and improved sex lives, and a deeper understanding of each other.
3. COLLABORATE ON FINDING THE RIGHT THERAPIST FOR YOUR MARRIAGE
Show your interest in working together as a team by requesting that the both of you invest some time and energy into finding the right therapist for your marriage, and let them know that you'll do your part on this "group project" too. Demonstrate that you're willing to be intentional, collaborative, and open to their perspectives on finding a good-fit therapist for both of you. Reassure them that you both have a role to play in the process of finding a couples therapist together, and that it's not about "fixing" one person or the relationship by working with a couples therapist that only suits one partner. What matters most is that you move and groove together.
BOTTOM LINE
"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility."- George Levinger (1927 - 2017), Psychologist
Each and every person, and relationship, is unique, so be patient and validate your partner if they need some time to process the idea of starting couples therapy. It's essential to respect their feelings and boundaries while also calmly expressing your own desires and needs for the relationship. If your husband remains hesitant, then you could consider starting your own individual therapy first to work on some things while you gradually warm them up to the idea of starting couples therapy as they may become more comfortable and ready to join you. You can also share these 15 Real Talk Blogs for Men and New Dads with them for some self-help tips.
If you're located in Connecticut, Georgia, Maryland, or New York and your marriage could benefit from starting couples therapy with an experienced couples therapist, then you're in the right spot to take the next step.
Let's talk. Book a free 15 minute phone consultation here.
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As your Right Hand Therapy Man, it's my mission to empower your verve.